Seesaw Stories #5 | The day I refused to believe in me

The last few weeks, we were all busy with Kidii, something that's very close to my heart. ❤️

But the stories… they have a way of waiting for us to unravel them.

And this one took me all the way back to Class 9. So, here we are again.

We had a new History teacher. It was her first day with us, and she gave us an assignment on a topic from History. We had about forty-five minutes to write. I scribbled something (I thought so), handed over my paper and completely forgot about it.

A day or two later, she came back with our assignments.

Then she paused. “There is one paper here,” she said, “but the student hasn’t written her name, she has written really well and the best English I’ve seen so far.”

Everyone started looking around.

I looked at the girl sitting next to me. She was one of the toppers in our class.

“Maybe it’s yours. Check.” “No, Pallavi. It’s not mine.” she said.

I didn’t even think of checking mine. Why would I? I wasn’t a topper. I never thought of myself as someone who could write well.

A few minutes later, my friend insisted I open my paper. She looked at it.

“Pallavi… I think this is yours.” “No way. How can it be mine?”

Then the teacher mentioned a particular line from the assignment.

My friend immediately said, “See! That’s your paper. Just accept it!” Eventually, she handed over the paper to the teacher.

Yes, it was mine!!!

I remember feeling almost embarrassed. The teacher was appreciating my work and I couldn't believe that she was talking about me.

Accepting compliments or appreciation was never really part of my life script.

Praises felt awkward, compliments felt embarrassing. I couldn’t ask for appreciation nor was I comfortable receiving it.

Everything about it was alien to me, my teacher's praise, my friend's insistence and me trying to step away from owning it!!!

Because somewhere inside me was this belief: It can’t be me. I’m not good enough.

Looking back now, I realize the problem wasn't that others couldn't see something in me.

I could not see it in myself.

It’s so funny that I had completely forgotten this incident. It came back only when I started this series, the puzzles and the dots made sense

Self-doubt wasn’t something that suddenly appeared later in my life.

I was unknowingly rehearsing it in moments like this, long before I had the language to call it self-doubt.

Every time I dismissed something I had done well. Every time I assumed someone else must be better than me

That day, I not only disowned my piece of work, but I also rejected the appreciation that truly belonged to me.

Have you ever caught yourself doing this too?

Have you ever stepped away from something that was actually yours? a compliment, an opportunity, success?