The Beginning of the Tussle

SB (Self Belief) and SD (Self Doubt) were woven so deeply into my life… even before I arrived into this world.

Looking back, I realized much later that the story of my birth marked the beginning of an ongoing tussle between SB and SD across different chapters of my life.

My Amma was already raising three children: a son and two daughters.

When she found out she was carrying me, it was not joyful news for her.

She decided to abort me.

She tried to terminate the pregnancy not once, but three times.

Destiny has its own plans.

After three failed attempts, the doctor told her, “It’s too late… it looks like a gatti pinda (a resilient, stubborn foetus in Kannada).

Keep it anyway… it may be a boy, a companion for your son.”

She made peace with destiny’s choice and decided to bring me into this world.

I am here because of the combined forces of the Universe, the doctor… and of course, my Amma.

I was meant to be here even before I had a say!

While growing up, I developed my own individuality. I questioned everything around me and the rebel in me had silently taken over.

I was labelled the “rebel brat” of the family, defying rules and refusing to follow the norms of a typical conservative society. Playing and fighting with boys also earned me the title Gandubeeri (means tomboy in Kannada).

Whenever I asked questions to Amma, she used to get furious, as she felt I don’t obey her and question too much.

Out of anger, she would tell this story of my birth, how she tried aborting me very casually.

She would often say, “you never wanted to come out even in the tenth month, the doctor had to perform a C-section to pull you out… you were stubborn inside then and now outside also.”

As a child, I didn’t fully understand it.

But something stayed.

I grew up with a lot of anger towards her.

I would do the opposite of what she said, just to make her angry and see how she would react.

None of this was in my conscious awareness.

Maybe… I was just trying to get her love and attention.

I only understood this much later, when I started my therapy.

This became an unknown pattern in me, feeling of not belonging, constant comparison, doing things that were not considered traditional for a girl who was growing up in the early 80s.

I often felt lonely even while I was surrounded with people.

Many of my choices and decisions were driven by one need to prove to my Amma… and to the world… that I am better.

Maybe my journey with self-belief didn’t begin with confidence.

Maybe it began with… not giving up on myself from my conception stage.

Maybe the Universe was preparing me inside the womb for the journey ahead of me in life.

How much of our self-belief and self-doubt is shaped even before we understand it?

As I grew up, that quiet question began to show up… in different ways

“What do you think shaped your tussle”

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